Lost.

It's almost a new year, and I'm completely lost.
I'm not sure what to do.
In a few months time I will be proposed to, and while I would say yes.. I'm rather fond of another man. I can't be a polygamist. I can't do this.
I just want to be alone sometimes. As of right now, I don't love either one like that. Why isn't it easy just to say no? My heart is breaking every day, and I just want it all to end.
I'm lost. I don't know myself anymore.

Wow.

Oh hey, Levi..

Okie dokie, so last time I was a bit depressed I think?

I'm a bit better now. Ben came over last night, and got along well with Ashley.
Ben is quite wonderful so far and I like it.

I can't get a real decent picture of him to save my life.
But he's 6'2, handsome, funny, and sweet. So there's that. :3

We watched a movie and he put me in headlocks and pretended to punch my face. Aww.

He also did this to me.

Ha ha.

Sooooo, We know I painted Dom DiCarlo's... Here's pictures. ;D

I don't have much else to say really. I found out I get a little over minimum wage with my new job. I added up the hours and it'll make me decent money. Better than when I got tips. Plus, I feel like I do less. Figures. I like being there, though. People are getting better, and I get some respect now atleast.

Ben is in fact pretty great, he made me laugh a lot last night and he seemed fairly happy considering my house has nothing to do. He passed up watching the game to come over, so that's a nice sign that he likes me. Now I really don't know what else to say..

Here's the ring he let me wear..? o_o

Woe is me.

I guess it's been a long time, huh?
I moved to Indiana, got a job, and live with my 20 year old cousin.
In the short amount of time I've been here, a lot has happened. I dated the wrong guy, befriended the wrong people, and realized that my life has no point.
I'm a waitress, where will that get me? I aspire to do very little. I've only ever wanted a family. Someone to love me unconditionally, and make me their wife. I belong in a whole other time.
I got my heart broken by the only guy I ever thought could make all this come true.
I'm not sure I'll ever get over him.
I have no real friends here, and I barely make enough money to pay my rent.
I can't afford anything. And I'm pouring my heart out on a blog that I haven't posted in for a very long time.
I'm worried that I don't have anything good to say right now.
I'm sad that this isn't even everything that is bothering me.
I'm just sad.

I knew dancing down those steps was a bad idea...

I haven't written on here in ages!

I'm very sick, and I feel absolutely icky.
I have a horrific sinus headache, and I can't stop sneezing! >O
And to top it all off, I fell down half a flight of stairs two days ago, and have a bruised foot, and butt! And of course Tiamat was at the bottom waiting to bombard me with kisses.
I was on the phone with Levi when it happened, and I was so embarrassed!
I can't believe it's almost 4 in the morning. I have had the worst sleeping schedule since I got sick. >< I'm fairly certain it was Ashikins that got me sick. :o

I can't stop thinking about Autumn's book! I need to know what happens next!
She had better hurry and write chapter 2!

I had more to say, but I can't think of what..
I've been kind of out of it.
You guys understand. :D

Hopefully I'll make an entry worth while tomorrow. >>

What is a girl to do?

I definately forgive that guy much too fast. He is the only person to ever make me feel like I'm unintelligent, and he should have been the last to make me feel that way.
I ended up forgiving him, but I still feel like shit.
Now I'm just upset because I had to ask my mom if he could come for Aunt Georgias wedding, and if she could pay for his plane ticket, and he can't even ask his mom one last time if he can come.
I just want him to show the slightest sign of wanting to come here.
His unwillingness to talk to his mom is hardly reassuring.

...Asshole.


I'm bored out of my mind. I want to draw, but I lack talent.
I get so frustrated when my work ends up looking like an elephant when I tried to draw a rabbit.
Frustrating, right?
Okay. That might have been a bit of an over exaggeration. But still.
One of my best friends is lacking food once again. I feel the need to make him Rice krispy treats, once more. Last time I made them, it took the post office about two weeks to get them to him! WTF, mate!? But I love him, and want to help. So I'm using my own money this time, since mom is bitter about the last time and does not want to help. There goes my beautiful, wonderful piercing. D::: Whatever. A human being who barely gets to eat, is more important than a stupid piercing any day. I think so. This sucks most, since I just got enough money to get it done. :[ I had to take three online tests for my dad. They took me hours. It's a long story. ....I'm still bitter. And what the hell!? My wonderful boyfriend can't even put aside one fucking Saturday to talk to me. He used to be really sweet. He used to make me feel special. Not so much anymore, guys.

Not good enough?

Apparently you'll never make anything of your life, if you don't attend public school.
Going to public school looks good on your resume, you know.
I have no desire to return to that hell hole.
I'm old fashioned. I have the soul of a sixty year old woman.
All I've ever wanted out of life is a family.
I don't want to have a fancy job where I get over paid.
Fuck being a lawyer, or a doctor.
I don't need to have a college degree to write a childrens book.
I don't need a college degree to do anything I want to do.
He can love me and marry me, and give me children.
But I know that in his mind, I'll never be good enough for him.
How am I supposed to live with that?
No one has ever made me feel so dumb in my life..
I love Levi more than anything in this world, but how am I supposed to live my life knowing he and his family don't think I'm good enough.
People you love should never make you feel this way.
I don't know what to do about anything anymore.